July 12, 2013- I stopped trusting my balance about seven years ago. Seven come eleven is a roll of the dice. Four is my lucky number. Seven plus four is eleven. This is the equation of Me. which is not including the state by that abbreviation. I am Crazy Loon of the village of Many Moons in that state of the union. The great spirit tells me that I am chosen for my endurance and patience. Wisdom has come as it must through experience. I have experienced Hell so that I may understand forgiveness.
Forgive us, father for we have disrespected our earth mother. Maine is experiencing a wet and powerful summer season this thirteenth year of a new millennium. Nearly tropical heat and humidity isn't natural for New England's climate. Climate changes have been ongoing as have the abuses and misuses of power. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could just leave all of you in the messes that you keep making and just go home and wait for each of you to come to your common senses. Since this is my story, I get little reminders of how easily or traumatic a passing can be. An episode just happened while I was destressing with my favored preferences under the influence of fun with Pat and Cat. Curley's Place is cool and entertaining. I don't know what besides a choice came over me but I suddenly felt ill. Its that same feeling women recognize eventually as morning sickness whether it happens all day long or not. There is no way that I could be pregnant unless you believe in miracles since I was sterilized at the ripe old age of twenty five. The state of Maine was paying for abortions that year and I didn't want to go through that Hell ever again. It wasn't that I wasn't on birth control or even that I couldn't keep my legs crossed; I couldn't keep my ex out of my house. People thought differently about women years ago. Some men figured no judge was gonna tell them who or what was theirs to do with as they pleased. Once a wife, always a wife according to their way of thinking and God's too, if it comes to testifying on the bible. Ever since they took Eve out of Eden, paradise has been a vacationland somewhere other than Maine in its natural state. That has always been wild and free as the eagles that nest in Merrymeeting Bay. You can imagine why its called by that name. Five rivers meet there. As for the merry? Party time is when families get together. I secluded myself away from too much of that but I miss the communion of conditional love just the same. I am addicted to sad love but I am no drama queen. Queen Bee, hell call me a bumbling idiot! I know what I need and I know what I deserve and I don't deserve any more pain or suffering. Its hard to imagine that this is what it means to have free choice but it is and I chose this. Its time to come in out of the agony. Too much despair will make you crazy enough to forfeit your own life before your contract is up. That is a cardinal sin (is red sin as natural as making love during her cycle?) This loon is lol at all the sin and trouble I'm in. What are they gonna do with me? I won't shut up and I won't move away but I'm not sueing anyone just now either. I sued Margaret. That was my first mistake since Dorothy had already used that name for Melanie. Sibling rivalry is a closer fight than is good for any family. Stop playing favorites with children. You give them the wrong impressions. Your children are your future but whether or not you'll live to see it will depend on his children and what they think about their neighbors.
I've made it abundantly clear that this stopped being fun enough when I lost all that I had to share with my grandsons except myself. Then my kids moved away and I've learned to stay away. I can't ignore the living situations but I've seen what happens when society judges and more and usually worse abuses happen when the lawyers become judges. More than a few have paid dearly for those robes whether they are red or black. Interestingly, it really doesn't come down to color when people judge. It comes down to your knees cuz you better be on them if you expect forgiveness. That is BS, of course since the only way any of us will stoop so low is if we choose to serve and there better be just ice in that drink. Those wild ones never could hold their firewater.
July 14-
I maintain a very powerful faith in my father's unconditional love. It provides me with all that I truly need though not a great deal of what I want. I suspect the reason is that what I want isn't what my mission is about. Being me in this form is the only way to learn to appreciate the human condition and its diseases. I understand more completely, though awareness is often excruciating and ripe with cliche. I can easily appreciate why people choose to intoxicate reality. It is an ongoing nightmare for somebody, somewhere. I am grateful for Christy and for Pat who do what they can to show that they care especially when I want to quit. Excess stress and trauma is too much drama. Family distance occurs in perverse societies. Friends are the the key to social acceptance. Loneliness may be a preferred condition when the choices are dramatically stressful. Older generations are less able to adapt. Here come those cliches. They run around in my thoughts as every warning ever committed there. You hear them too. No wonder we seek peace and quiet in crowds of friends and festivities. In its misguided way, that is what society tries to provide to control the teeming masses while still maintaining law and order at home. Its all so unnatural. Biblical is another version of reality that I recognize as the meaning of Hell; Yes, with a capital and in every state of the union.
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